Last night, we all got dressed up for a party in lieu of celebrating my friends birthday.
It was a warm night accompanied by a cool breeze.
There were plenty of lovely men and women surrounding me.
The vibes were wonderful; kind faces, art, food, drinks, dance, games, hugs and laughter.
It felt good to share that space and the highlight of my night was in a simple exchange.
I have been exploring intimacy, with myself and others, recognizing it as far more than physical.
These days I see it showing up gently and I genuinely look forward to how I can experience it more often.
To me intimacy feels like resonance.
It feels like a sometimes mysterious comfort in another.
Whether it be a smile from a stranger or a gut wrenching conversation with a close friend,
there is a different type of connection that takes place when we go there.
I have been acknowledging my level of presence and willingness to go there in each moment.
The same questions keep popping up:
How many people in my life truly see me?
Are we really feeling each other or are we merely talking at one another?
Am I being authentic or am I still hiding behind a shield of fear?
Housing a physical vessel I am inherently visible mass, but I mean who looks at me and who looks into me?
After the party was over and we were all chilling, there was a moment.
Where I locked eyes with a friend of mine for a little longer than expected.
I envisioned a dive initiating.
I believe I even heard a splash in my mind, as if we were breaking the surface.
I then felt the shock of the first hit of water.
And it quickly began to heat up.
Within a few seconds, I looked away trying to focus on something else like the other people in the room
or the silly show we were watching.
I looked away because it was unexpected and instantly intense.
Even though I chose to act distracted, I could literally feel their gaze fixed on me.
So when I returned my glance back in their direction, this gaze took over.
No vocal words spoken but our eyes locked in awe of the moment.
The idea that other people were surrounding us inhibited me from enjoying this moment.
At one point someone even called us out and made a joke about it.
We all laughed...but it left me wondering why?
The comment itself was humorous but I should not have interpreted it as an opportunity
for me to downplay what was happening.
To cut myself out of this moment.
There was nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear at all.
This was raw.
The few moments we shared were heart warming and did not seem to be expectation.
I felt a mixture of excitement, curiosity, discomfort, and peace.
There was a conversation taking place that was pure and enveloping.
"I see you and I appreciate your presence here"
It is incredible how eye contact makes us feel so vulnerable.
Like we fell off the shelf and were thrust right open.
Now here we are, a little dusty, and exposed.
At times, the thought of someone else reading me still makes me uneasy.
But I am so appreciative of the ones who show up and truly see me.
The ones who want to go there, who want to jump in and play with me in the present moment.
We did exchange words a bit before parting.
Yet what lingered even longer and louder was their willingness to hold that welcoming gaze.
The feeling it stirred within me.
My own hesitance to dive deep into that moment even though I wanted to was a reminder for me
to allow myself to give + receive love fully, in each moment.
It reminded me that no matter how small, large, or surprising the present moment may feel,
everywhere I am there are souls open to connecting with me.
No matter who, what, or where it is coming from, if it speaks to my soul I am safe to embrace it.
These sweet simple moments...